American Consumers Eating More from Free Food Group

A new report released in Food Eaters Monthly this month indicates that Americans have begun focusing more on the free food group as a source of their daily intake of calories and nutrition.

Consisting of items such as individually wrapped crackers, ketchup packets, mucous and tape, the popularity of the free food group has risen attendant to the nation’s waning economy over the past sixteen months as consumers increasingly strive to shrink their budgets and remain consumers.

"Although most products belonging to the free food group lack much nutritional value, eating them is generally more healthy than eating nothing and slowly starving to death," remarked US Department of Agriculture spokesman Harold Coleman, "It is important however to distinguish what belongs to the free food group and what is just plain not food. For example, a carton of cottage cheese fetched from the dumpster behind a grocery store might be edible, but chunks of wood pried off an old dresser is not food at all. Humans cannot digest wood."

11 year-old Brett Shaffer and his sister Kelly, 9, have learned a lot about the free food group since their father was laid off from his job and the bank repossessed their home in November.

"My favorite food in the free food group is chips and salsa," Brett gushed, "And all you have to do to get it is go into a Mexican restaurant and look at the menu like you’re going to buy something, and they just keep bringing it out. Then, when you've had enough, you stand up, say their food smells like shit, and hit the road."

According to the report, the consumption of free beverages is also on the rise, with flat soda at the bottom of discarded cans and bottles, rainwater captured in plastic grocery bags, and alcohol purchased with money collected under false pretences from gullible passerby being most popular.