March 2, 2007          [home]  [contact]  [links] [disclaimer]

Fashion Police!
Red Carpet Patrol with Melissa and Aleksandr
Aleksandr Solzhenitsyn – Russian author and historian - Served eight years in Soviet labor camps for telling what was construed as a joke about Stalin. Went on to write the epic “Gulag Archipelago”, a voluminous account of the brutality of the Russian purges and the suffering of its millions of victims. Won the Nobel Prize for Literature in 1970.
Melissa Rivers – Daughter of famous comedienne / talk show host Joan Rivers, competed in horse shows in some capacity prior to being anointed as a television fashion reporter.


Cate Blanchett

Melissa: 3...2...1...Va-va-va-voom! Cate the Great blasts off for the far-out frontiers of fashion in this crystal mesh-and-tulle Armani Prive gown - fearlessly going where no starlet has ever gone before. Hollywood, we have no problem crowning Mrs. Blanchett the red carpet's queen of style the last couple of years.

Aleksandr: During the height of Stalin's purges in the 30s, those arbitrarily arrested for "crimes against the state" were often transported to the furthest, most inhospitable regions of Russia - for instance Siberia or the Solovetski Islands in the Nordic Northwest. On one occasion, six thousand peasants were dumped on the uninhabited island of Nazino. This woman reminds me of what the two thousand who managed to stave off starvation for three months likely subsisted off of after resorting to cannibalism.

Are you a dime a dozen type who
blends into a crowd and can stand
still for three minutes without
picking your nose? Be a movie
extra: 323-560-9002
Wal-Mart now hiring senior
citizens, the disabled to hobble
around the store improving our
public image. Some unpaid
commercial work possible.
$7.50/hr. See on-site mgr.

Peter O'Toole

Melissa: Aaaah, Peter O'Toole looks as cute as he is venerable in this purple smoking jacket and little bow tie. Personally, I think that it's sooo great that a man his age is not only still making movies, but is showing up to the Oscars to strut his stuff on the red carpet. You go, Peter!

Aleksandr: Advanced age granted no respite from the life of hard labor in the Gulag. Men as old as this man would work the same as any zek in all seasons, and if he should succumb to the harshness of the toil or weather, his fellow prisoners would waste no time stripping him of his clothes where he fell, before he could chatter his final words, usually something in the vein of, "It's so cold."

Rinko Kikuchi

Melissa: Although I recently discovered Rinko Kikuchi isn't really deaf like the girl she played in Babel, it does appear she was born without a sense of fashion. Sushi, anyone? Seriously, the girl looks like she's on set to play Daryl Hannah's part in a Japanese remake of "Splash". AAACK! This fish is definitely no keeper.

Aleksandr: One of my most searing memories during my eight years as a gulag prisoner is one involving a young Asiatic girl from the Caucuses. Starving, she had fallen upon a rotten fish and was eating it when a guard discovered her and beat her repeatedly in the head with the butt of his rifle, rendering her deaf.

Sally Kirkland

Melissa: Calling all fashion police cars! The Underdog Lady has infiltrated the Academy Awards! No wait, that's just Sally Kirkland pining for attention in a dress that, with a few minor alterations, could serve as a great Mothra costume for this plus sized has-been come next Halloween. Where's a giant bug zapper when you need one?

Aleksandr: I recall one year in the prison camps when the guards allowed us to celebrate Christmas with a double helping of fish bone soup and a drama performance. One of the actors, a prisoner who attempted to re-enact the October Revolution through interpretive dance, resembled this woman in his performance, only she turned out to be a man who'd been driven insane from the long years of hardship.