March 6 , 2006          [home]  [contact]  [links] [disclaimer] [boycott list]

Fashion Police!
Red Carpet Patrol with Melissa and Aleksandr
Aleksandr Solzhenitsyn – Russian author and historian - Served eight years in Soviet labor camps for telling what was construed as a joke about Stalin. Went on to write the epic “Gulag Archipelago”, a voluminous account of the brutality of the Russian purges and the suffering of its millions of victims. Won the Nobel Prize for Literature in 1970.
Melissa Rivers – Daughter of famous comedienne / talk show host Joan Rivers, competed in horse shows in some capacity prior to being anointed as a television fashion reporter.

Classifieds Charlize Theron

Melissa: One of the stars of best documentary winner “March of the Penguins” makes its way into the Kodak Theater - oh wait, that’s Charlize Theron looking dressed more for bed in a gown complete with shoulder pillow than the most glamorous gala of the year. Tweet! Tweet! This is the fashion police! We have you surrounded! Step off the red carpet with your hands up!

Aleksandr: Although penguins are not indigenous to the area, the miserable conditions prisoners faced mining gold and salt in Stalin’s Siberian gulags were suited more for these arctic birds than humans. Often wearing little more than rags on their feet with nothing but stale bread and thin potato soup in their stomachs, thousands died toiling amidst this harsh climate.

Are you a dime a dozen type who
blends into a crowd and can stand
still for three minutes without
picking your nose? Be a movie
extra: 323-560-9002
Wal-Mart now hiring senior
citizens, the disabled to hobble
around the store improving our
public image. Some unpaid
commercial work possible.
$7.50/hr. See on-site mgr.

Paul Giamatti

Melissa: Blech! How such a gross little man could ever be invited to the Oscars let alone become a famous Hollywood actor is a crime. I realize that some movie roles call for ugly actors, but that doesn’t mean we should celebrate them. Where are our standards? I mean, even his wife is fat. And that pitiful island of hair left on top of his head needs to go – or at least be covered by a hat. Geez!

Aleksandr: It is funny that you say Mr. Giamatti should wear a hat, because he reminds me of a man I shared a railway car with on the way to Exibastuz camp in Kazakhstan. He was a little Cossack with features much like Mr. Giamatti and he wore a hat. One day, while we were lining up to re-board our train after a stop to remove corpses, a convoy guard took this man’s hat from his head and tossed it some distance away. The man chased after it and was shot in the back as a fugitive 'making an escape attempt'. The rest of us learned a valuable lesson that day.

Keira Knightley

Melissa: Call me prejudiced, but my vote for pride of this Oscars fashion exhibition goes to Pride and Prejudice star Keira Knightley. A show stopping number on one of Hollywood's most adorable up and comers!

Aleksandr: The necklace around this girl’s neck appears quite valuable. Such an item, if by some miracle you were able to conceal it from the guards and officers during the extent of your detention in the interrogation center before your farcical trial, would most certainly be purloined from you during your cramped, freezing transport like so much cattle to your dark, foreboding destination by one of the many thieves and ruffians working in collusion with the guards aboard the trains as they would steal all but the rags from your back.

Jada Pinkett-Smith

Melissa: Making his way down the red carpet, "Madea's Family Reunion" star and Hollywood gold mine Tyler Perry cracks up this fashion reporter as he proves once again that there’s nothing more hilarious than a black man in drag. Uh-oh! Looks like I’m wrong again! Turns out that’s just Jada Pinkett-Smith doing her best impression of a tube of toothpaste. My mistake!

Aleksandr: Hygienic products such as toothpaste were unheard of in any gulag. Of course, losing a few teeth was the least of any prisoner’s health concerns as the poor nutrition, hard labor and severe weather common to most labor camps spelled a death sentence to many who were sentenced to more than five years, which was most.

Nicole Kidman

Melissa: Nicole Kidman looks as glamorous as ever in a structured ivory sheath with delicate embroidery and Fred Leighton rose-cut diamond earrings. Might the Aussie actress be auditioning wedding gowns for her rumored nuptials to country singer Keith Urban? Nic, we think this one's a winner.

Aleksandr: I'd do her.