Texas in Death Race with Cancer over Who Will Kill Ten Year-Old Convict First

Courts in Texas are scrambling to expedite the recently rendered death sentence of Leif Brown after it was learned that the ten year-old is terminally ill with brain cancer.

Brown, who is large enough to often be confused for a man of 11, walked into a Burger King in Fort Worth last April and demanded a Whopper from 74 year-old cashier Martha Bonner, who refused to fill the order without proper payment. A prolonged dispute ensued during which Brown loudly and repeatedly insisted that the restaurant always gave him free Whoppers, and ended tragically, witnesses report, with him striking Bonner in the face, forcing a screw in her steel jaw to penetrate her brain and kill her instantly.

Convicted as an adult in October and sentenced to death in November, Brown was diagnosed with a malignant astrocytoma in late December and given less than a year to live, igniting a fire under the state’s notoriously stern criminal justice system to execute the boy before he succumbs to his disease despite assertions made by his doctor that the erratic behavior he exhibited the day he killed Bonner was likely in no small part caused by the baseball sized tumor growing on his brain.

“We’re really up against a short clock here,” remarked Fort Worth District Attorney Tim Watkins, “Our state has streamlined our appeals process to get men and women convicted of capital crimes in the grave where they belong as quickly as possible, but no matter how fast we rush through the direct appeal and post-conviction petitions in this case, the federal appeals could take two or three years, and that’s out of our hands.”

In light of the circumstances, thousands around the state who have watched the case closely are imploring the federal appeals courts to expedite Brown’s case and put him on a ‘fast track to hell’.

“This is clearly a test from God,” spoke Russell ‘The Love Monkey’ Murphy during his San Antonio area morning radio show earlier this week, “And if we don’t get our hands on that kid before He does, we all fail. Not only us Texans as Texans, but the whole country as Americans.”

Meanwhile, to the chagrin of many, Brown is currently receiving treatment in the medical ward of the Huntsville maximum security prison, where officials report he spends most of his waking hours reading magazines and coloring.

Commented one Texan mother of three, “Although I think dying of cancer might be more painful, there’s no excuse for killing someone no matter how old or retarded you are, and if you do, then for the sake of the victim’s family you should be killed too so they can feel better by watching you die.”