Defeat of US Curling Team Sparks Riots, Retaliation

An angry mob of Americans attacked US Curling Team Skipper John Shuster last night, leaving him bleeding and clinging to life outside the Vancouver Olympic Centre after his squad crashed out of the 2010 Olympic Games.

Shuster's bludgeoning is the latest incident of a multitude of retaliatory acts perpetrated against the team's members and their relatives since their poor play made yesterday's official elimination all but inevitable to a curling crazed nation.  

Relatives of US team member Jeff Isaacson reported that the Americans' second stone thrower's home was burned to the ground in Duluth, Minnesota Monday night after the team's 7-2 drubbing at the hands of Team Canada, while fellow team members Shuster, Jason Smith, John Benton and Chris Plys continue to be burned and hanged in effigy all over the country by those driven mad by what many are calling a "sickening" performance.

"As if a 74% overall take out rate for the tournament wasn't disgraceful enough, this gutless bunch of traitors couldn't manage better than a minus 10 in stolen ends while representing the United States of America in front of the entire world on curling's biggest stage,"  raged a man at a rally outside of Homeland Security offices in Washington DC, where an estimated 3,000 people assembled this morning to urge their government to repeal the citizenship of each team member, branding their 2-7 record an act of terrorism.

"Actually, I hope those bums try coming back across the border," seethed one American curling fanatic, "I'd love nothing more than get a chance to tear them limb from limb."

Added the man: "These clowns couldn't sweep my kitchen floor."

Sadly, authorities report that the dishonor of the US Curling Team's last place finish at the Olympics is proving more than some Americans can endure, as upwards of 30 curling-related suicides have been confirmed around the country over the past 72 hours.

"Woe be to America in this, her darkest curling hour. Another four minutes, much less four years is more than I can bear beneath the cloak of such wretched shame. Goodbye cruel world – your curse was to see me alive to witness a calamity such as this," read a note left by Lindsay Parker, 26, of San Francisco, California.  

Parker later leapt from the Golden Gate Bridge.