China Turning to Mass Public Orgies as Population Continues to Shrink

Resembling a scene from Stanley Kubrick's 'Eyes Wide Shut', only dramatically less elegant, outdoors and on a much larger scale, Chaoyang Square was the site of a massive government-enforced orgy yesterday as Beijing continues to grapple with China’s shrinking population numbers.

"Suddenly, there were crowd control fences all around, and a voice over a loudspeaker ordered us to remove our clothes, then to have sex," one orgy participant's account appeared briefly on social media this morning. "It was terrible. Everywhere I looked there were police and unattractive women."

The man reported that members of the crowd who refused to participate, or who participated in unsanctioned ways, were threatened with violence.

"Personally, I'm just not that into Chinese women, which is kind of a problem here in China," he said. "Also, guys who started to fool around with other guys were swiftly corrected by the cops."

A radical escalation from state-funded programs offering new parents incentives ranging from discounts on strollers to gift cards for Subway Sandwiches, the forced orgies aren't the only measure the government has implemented, some claim.

"Personally, I think they're putting Viagra in the water supply," one man said. "Yesterday I made myself a cup of tea, and I had to cancel all my afternoon meetings."