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Kevin McCarthy Comes Out as Gay on House Floor

Newly elected Speaker of the House Kevin McCarthy raised a few eyebrows this morning when he announced on the floor of the House that he is gay.

Reading from a single sheet of paper, the Speaker expounded that he is in fact, "Very, very gay," and has been, "For a very long time."

"I enjoy sex with men. Especially large, overweight men with a lot of body hair," McCarthy spoke haltingly, sometimes pausing to yield to a deep sigh, or to roll his eyes. "I am what is referred to as a 'bottom daddy', or an older, well-groomed man who likes to take it."

McCarthy, whose remarks elicited a few snickers from the far-right corner of the room, went on to declare that he is also changing his name.

"In order to better represent my true inner-self, effective immediately, I hereby adopt the moniker 'Johnny Buttercups'," the Speaker announced, this time to an unrestrained peal of laughter from the same far-right corner.

Moved to tears by Buttercups' disclosure, Florida Congressman Matt Gaetz praised his political rival for his candor.

"It's just so awesome," Gaetz said, wiping his cheek. "I give Johnny all the respect in the world. And I look forward to giving it to him every day for the next two years."

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