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Beauty Tips for Ugly Ladies
• Always spend at least one hour primping, preening, poofing, chiseling and jack-hammering in your home's only bathroom every morning, because everybody really gives a shit about you looking slightly less than absolutely hideous. • Shedding all those extra pounds with liposuction is a really good way to remind yourself what you used to look like, and why you gave up and started eating everything in sight in the first place. • To get that "just went ten rounds getting punched in the mouth by Manny Pacquiao" look, try injecting some collagen extracted from cow hides directly into your lips. • Worried about cellulite? Every year millions of women and children are trafficked as sex slaves. Try worrying about that. • There are ways food products such as eggs, olive oil and coconut can bring out the shine in your hair, but you'd probably just make a cake. • If you haven't already, one guaranteed way to improve your overall appearance is to shave off your eyebrows. Then draw them back in with a fucking pencil. Yeah, that looks much better. • To eliminate dark circles under the eyes, try applying potassium-rich potato slices to the area and stop pursuing relationships with men as the only kind you're likely to get are the angry drunk kind. • It is a scientific fact that perfume cancels out ugly. Studies have also shown that this direct relationship is exclusively volume-dependent, so get down to your local Ross and go to town. • If you think it's the wrinkles that are keeping you off all the magazine covers, try shooting a syringe full of Botulinum toxin straight into your face to achieve that "Hey-everybody, I-obviously-just-shot Botulinum-toxin-in-my-face-because-now-I-look-like-a-total-freak" look.
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