Beauty Tips for Ugly Ladies

• When it comes to breasts, the bigger the better. If ten pounds of saline protruding from your chest is already making it look like you're smuggling jack o' lanterns, go for eleven. The guys will like you 10% more.

• Always spend at least one hour primping, preening, poofing, chiseling and jack-hammering in your home's only bathroom every morning, because everybody really gives a shit about you looking slightly less than absolutely hideous.

• Shedding all those extra pounds with liposuction is a really good way to remind yourself what you used to look like, and why you gave up and started eating everything in sight in the first place.

• To get that "just went ten rounds getting punched in the mouth by Manny Pacquiao" look, try injecting some collagen extracted from cow hides directly into your lips.

• Worried about cellulite? Every year millions of women and children are trafficked as sex slaves. Try worrying about that.

• There are ways food products such as eggs, olive oil and coconut can bring out the shine in your hair, but you'd probably just make a cake.

• If you haven't already, one guaranteed way to improve your overall appearance is to shave off your eyebrows. Then draw them back in with a fucking pencil. Yeah, that looks much better.

• To eliminate dark circles under the eyes, try applying potassium-rich potato slices to the area and stop pursuing relationships with men as the only kind you're likely to get are the angry drunk kind.

• It is a scientific fact that perfume cancels out ugly. Studies have also shown that this direct relationship is exclusively volume-dependent, so get down to your local Ross and go to town.

• If you think it's the wrinkles that are keeping you off all the magazine covers, try shooting a syringe full of Botulinum toxin straight into your face to achieve that "Hey-everybody, I-obviously-just-shot Botulinum-toxin-in-my-face-because-now-I-look-like-a-total-freak" look.