Woman Freed from Pennsylvania Basement Undecided on November Election

Ground team members for both the Trump and Harris campaign were quick to respond to the news that a girl who had been held captive for nearly 10 years in a Wilkes-Barre, Pennsylvania basement had been freed this morning.

Discovered after a neighbor heard calls for help while returning a misdelivered package to the kidnapper's home, Katherine Casey, who turned 18 earlier this year, making her of legal voting age in a crucial swing state, is reportedly undecided on who she is going to vote for in November's presidential election.

"Firstly, I think Ms. Casey will be shocked to see how much things cost these days, thanks to the Biden-Harris administration's egregious mismanagement of the economy," Trump Field Office Manager Logan Naylor said. "The price of a dozen of eggs, for example, has risen over 50% since Donald Trump left the White House."

Rebutting Naylor's remarks, "Again with the eggs reference," Harris Senior Campaign Advisor Amy Leavitt scoffed. "A shamelessly disingenuous metric considering the main driver of eggs' higher cost has been multiple rounds of avian flu that has reduced supply. Meanwhile, all of Donald Trump's economic policy plans for a prospective second term, I'm sure Ms. Casey will be disturbed to know, from his plan to significantly increase tariffs on imported goods to his costly and impractical scheme of deporting millions of undocumented immigrants, would not only be highly inflationary, but stagflationary."

Leavitt continued: "But likely even more disturbing to Casey will be the other details included in Trump's Project 2025. In particular those that pertain to the fossil fuel industry and reproductive rights, given Ms. Casey's gender and age," she noted. "I'm sure a young woman like Casey will be horrified to find out how Trump and his far-right cronies intend to take this country back to the Stone Age."

Meanwhile, Casey, who was left with an armload of pamphlets, economic studies, environmental impact reports and bumper stickers from both campaigns, promised to get around to reading it all sometime soon.