Florida Sun, Rain Conspire to Turn Kids Gay

Florida's Weather Service has issued warnings for five counties as mostly cloudy skies and patches of rain will likely produce several rainbows over the northern part of the state this afternoon.

Labeling the forecast "particularly troubling", officials are urging parents to keep their children indoors and away from windows between the hours of 1 and 4pm.

"It's the mostly cloudy part that's super scary," FWS spokesman Bradley Blanco noted. "Without full cloud cover, naughty Mr. Sun can turn a tiny sprinkle into a full-blown rainbow."

Blanco further advised all Floridians to stay abreast of future warnings by installing the Rainbow Shield app onto their phones, and to heed rainbow sirens when they are sounded.

"If you hear that WEE-WOO-WEE-WOO? Honey, scoot. Get those precious bears indoors and pull the blinds," he admonished.

Blanco went on to help citizens distinguish the new rainbow siren from the more familiar hurricane siren.

"The hurricane one goes like, 'WOOOOOOOP! WOOOOOOOOP!' while the rainbow guy is more of a 'WEE-WOO-WEE-WOO', like I just mentioned; but seriously, if either one is going, so should you, baby," he said.

Funded by the latest expansion of the 'Don't Say Gay' law, the state will continue to rely on the early rainbow warning system until its $2 billion 'Iron Dome' of rainbow deflectors is completed in 2027.