Arizona Deports Thousands of Useless People

An estimated 2,000 useless Arizonans were deported from the state this week following the passage of a new law that many complain could lead to profiling and other abuse.

"Arizona has a 16% budget deficit and one of the highest rates of non-productive citizens in the country," State Treasurer Dean Martin remarked on the controversial new law. "We simply cannot go on supporting this dead weight any longer."

Responding to such detractors as Arizona State Representative Debbie Lesko, whose 81 year-old mother was arrested for using several coupons and loose change to purchase groceries in the express lane of an Albertson's market in Flagstaff Tuesday, Phoenix Sheriff Joe Arpaio defended the police enforcement of the law, arguing that officers are only targeting the "most blatantly inept, non-functioning members of society".

"In addition to exempting anyone who has a job – any job – from arrest, our officers are operating under a mandate to release anyone capable of merely providing demonstrable proof of the smallest shred of useful potential – such as the ability to multiply single digit numbers or remember what they had for breakfast," Arpaio said.

"Tell us a joke," Arpaio added. "Show us a magic trick. Something. That's all we're looking for."

Arizona Secretary of State Ken Bennett pointed out another advantage of the law – liberating cheap migrant labor from tending to the needs of the infeebled elderly.

"Migrant labor accounts for $25 billion of our state's GDP, but this number could be much higher if these highly useful people weren't wasting so much of their collective energy watering these potted plants," Bennett said.

Meanwhile, Arizona Attorney General Terry Goddard argues that the law doesn't go far enough, pointing out that it contains no provision enabling law enforcement to apprehend the worst offenders from inside their homes.

"For every do-nothing we might encounter staggering the streets or loafing about the park staring at the ducks, there are two more truly useless people rooted to a Barcalounger gawking at infomercials, sheltered from justice inside the homes they never leave," Goddard said.