George W. Bush to Future Alzheimer’s Patients of America: “Let Them Have Teddy Bears!”

In the wake of his announced intention to continue freezing funding increases for the National Institutes of Health, President George W. Bush unveiled a low-cost consolation plan last week intended to alleviate the suffering of future Alzheimer’s patients who acquire the disease in the interim while the development of effective medical treatment is stalled. The plan, dubbed “Operation: Freedom Bear” will allocate $5 million towards the purchase of patriotically themed teddy bears to be distributed to anybody who is diagnosed with the degenerative brain disorder between the time the NIH cuts began and whenever a cure is finally found in spite of them.

At a press conference Tuesday to announce the plan, President Bush said, “Biomedical research is very expensive, especially in comparison with the cost of teddy bears. I believe that this alternative, which will liberate billions for the defense of the homeland, is fair, sound policy that is in line with the principles of compassionate conservatism. After all, it might not be as good as a cure for this horrible disease, but at least the future Alzheimer’s patients of America can be assured they’ll be living in a country where they can walk in circles all day babbling nonsense without fear of being incinerated by terrorists in a nuclear attack. ”

Added Bush a moment later after forgetting that his remote microphone wouldn’t automatically stop working once he stepped down from the podium, “That’ll teach em’ for calling me stupid.”

The fourteen inch brown “Freedom Bears”, which hold an American flag in one hand and come dressed in red, white and blue pants and a shirt that reads “God Bless America”, have already started to be delivered to those recently afflicted with Alzheimer’s.

Agnes Potterman of Freson, Ca., who was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s three weeks after the 2004 fiscal year began, received her Freedom Bear on Monday.

“Oh, she liked it fine,” commented her son and primary caregiver Daniel, “Well, she liked the flag, anyway. She ate it on Tuesday. As for the rest of the bear, she kept it for a couple of days, but then she tore it to pieces because she thought it had stolen her wristwatch and was hiding it inside its body.”

Later in Tuesday’s press conference, Health and Human Services Secretary Tommy Thompson was confronted by a reporter who asked him what, in the absence of any imminent effective treatments, his administration planned to do about rising Alzheimer’s patient care costs - especially as more Americans reach the average age of onset for the disease.

Thompson glibly responded, “Nothing.” He then added, “Well, we can all pray.”