Report: Maximizing the Equity Hidden in Your Vagina

In the midst of an economy that has left millions struggling to make ends meet, a recent article in the Journal of Finance and Banking estimates the existence of $200 billion worth of untapped equity in the vaginas of American women.

Yahoo! Finance contributor Nathan Gaines emphasized the importance of realizing the value hidden in vaginas and maximizing its leverage to reach one's financial goals.

"A lot of women out there have no idea they're literally sitting on a gold mine," Gaines said, "And the unfortunate part is that this particular type of equity diminishes in value over time."

Gaines continued: "The first step in making the most of the equity in your vagina is to have it appraised. Contact a certified vagina appraiser or beaver inspector, and remember that the appearance of your entire body will affect his estimate, so be sure to put on some makeup and wear something nice."

Gaines went on to detail how to capitalize on your vaginal equity.

Said Gaines: "There are several options for liquidating vaginal equity before it dries up – for example by becoming a female escort or shaking it down at the local strip club. Most lucrative, however, is to parlay your passion fruit into a sham marriage to a feeble old tycoon. All of these avenues lead to easy street."

"That is," added Gaines, "Assuming you put the money you take out of your vagina into a diversified, high-dividend yielding portfolio of investments and not blow it all on shoes like a dumb bitch."