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Trump Attorneys Committing Suicide at Astonishing Rate

Two more lawyers who had been representing Donald Trump have taken their own lives in the last 24 hours.

Colin Kuchar, who replaced Jim Trusty as lead attorney on the former president's classified documents case after Trusty leapt to his death from a parking structure Thursday evening, hung himself this morning. Meanwhile, Cameron DeChambeau, who stepped in for John Rowley after Rowley jumped off the George Washington Bridge Friday afternoon, threw himself from his apartment's 42nd floor balcony last night.

Neither Kuchar or DeChambeau left notes explaining why they were committing suicide, though DeChambeau did send a group text to colleagues and family that he'd "gone out the window".

The latest suicides bring to twelve the number of lawyers who have killed themselves since being hired to work for the former president. Another attorney, Pearson Steele, is currently in a coma from self-inflicted head trauma sustained from beating his head against a table after reading the latest indictment against his client.

"I might not go so far as to call it a 'tragic phenomenon', but it is a phenomenon," New York Times Legal Analyst Vincent Hovey remarked. "Attorneys compelled by the fortune Trump is having to offer in order to procure representation are driven to suicide once they fully grasp the evidence stacked against him. It's really... something."

As of press time, a post on Truth Social announcing the replacement of Kuchar with Manhattan attorney Dale Schneider has since been removed after Schneider was discovered floating in his bathtub holding a Fender Stratocaster.

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