Trump Resumes Deadly Rallies Out of Spite

Appearing Monday before hundreds of freezing supporters in Saugatuck, Michigan, Donald Trump held the first of dozens of newly scheduled rallies intended ostensibly to punish those who failed to re-elect him President.

Motioning for anyone wearing a mask to remove them as he arrived on stage, Trump led a chorus of The Village People's 'YMCA' before launching into an hour-long screed against everything from the mainstream media and Nancy Pelosi to his own voters.

"You people should be ashamed of yourselves. You should be very, very ashamed. Frankly, you're all a bunch of losers," the President berated the boisterous assembly, triggering roars of approval.

"Here I am running against the worst candidate in history, and where are my people? Where are they? Not at the polls, that's for sure. I know that much. I could tell you that much," Trump went on.

"Probably they're too busy having sex with their cousins," Trump speculated. "Honestly, you people make me sick," he exclaimed to a fresh round of cheers.

Later grabbing up chunks of ice from the ground around him, the President took aim at members of the crowd, hitting one man in the face and breaking his glasses before giving the finger on his way to a helicopter waiting to fly him to Kalamazoo.