Schizophrenic American Endorses Donald Trump for President

Donald Trump earned the official support of America's top conspiracy theory magazine today after Schizophrenic American endorsed the Republican candidate for President.

Issued just days after Scientific American endorsed Kamala Harris for POTUS, the country's preeminent source for unsupportable ideas echoed some of its counterpart's language.

"Vote for Donald Trump to support what seems too absurd to be true, but must be for that very reason. To resist the crab people who have infiltrated the highest levels of our government. To stop 5G turning our children gay. To prove once and for all that Albert Einstein's reanimated cryogenically frozen brain is being used to manipulate the space-time continuum in favor of federal interest rate decisions that benefit Democratic candidates," the endorsement read.

The journal's latest edition, which also featured an article that made disturbing anecdotal associations between elevated levels of mercury in chewing tobacco and impure thoughts regarding the way its chewers' felt their daughters looked in their Halloween costumes, made some chilling predictions if Trump did not win the election.

"The US faces two futures," the editors wrote, pushing one candidate who "offers a world free of war and government-generated diseases in which you can easily feed your heterosexual children who love and respect you with groceries purchased for prices not seen since the 1980s."

They continued: "In the other future, the new president would continue mining your thoughts for a Chinese AI algorithm working to murder Jesus by luring him back to Earth in order to brainwash him with 5G into thinking he should've been born a she only long enough for him to undergo gender reassignment surgery and kill himself after realizing too late what a horrible mistake he'd made."