Russia Blaming Orphan Children for Latest Military Failure

The Kremlin continues to blame military failures in the Ukraine on its own soldiers, including a squadron of orphan children who deserted into the woods outside of Soledar this week.

Meant to draw fire from Ukrainian forces dug in around the embattled town, the young troops – some as young as 7-years-old - instead ran off into the nearby forest, the Russian Defense Ministry reported.

"Shamefully, rather than perform their duty for the Motherland, these cowardly little scoundrels immediately threw down their wooden guns and bolted for the woods, leaving their comrades unable to pinpoint the positions of the enemy, who later neutralized them with artillery fire," Deputy Defense Minister Valeri Komlichenko remarked.

In addition to the orphans, the Russian military has also voiced its disappointment with its country's dog and cat cat population, many of which have been pressed into duty as makeshift bulletproof vests.

"Totally useless. Scrawny mutts can't even stop a bullet," Komlichenko scoffed. "Sometimes they even bite."

As of press time, the Kremlin is now attributing its lack of recent advancement in Bakhmut on a division of senior citizens, many of whom have died of fright.