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Scott Pruitt Vows to Continue Fight Against Environment in Free Time

Speaking to members of the press for the first time since tendering his resignation as Administrator of the Environmental Protection Agency on Thursday, Scott Pruitt vowed that he would continue his war on the environment in his free time as a citizen.

"Make no mistake, humanity's relationship with Mother Nature is a hostile one. She is a vile, remorseless bitch who cannot be placated, only conquered," the ex head of the EPA remarked while pouring molecular grade nitrocyclohexane down a sink drain.

"Mother Nature is a whore," Pruitt said then, producing an ancient looking can of Aquanet hairspray from his coat and spraying it into the air.

Later, pulling the canvas from a large dry erase board, Pruitt went on to describe his plan to accelerate glacial melt using giant heaters.

"With the help and generous donations of my patriotic supporters, coal burning tug boats will be used to deploy industrial-sized radiant heaters along the fringe of the world's ice caps to expedite their disintegration," Pruitt explained. "The results of which should, in a relatively short time, be catastrophic," he said.

In the meantime, Pruitt announced, he will embark on an expedition to the American Southwest to hunt the elusive jaguar.

"A keystone predator, the jaguar's extinction would hopefully prove devastating to not only the local ecosystem, but the entire continent," he said.

"Fuck Earth," Pruitt later concluded.

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