As a Proud Patriot, I Will Sacrifice Nothing for My Country
By: J.T. Bell

Freedom, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. These are the three pillars upon which America rests elevated above all others. They are the foundation for what makes this country the greatest in the history of mankind, and are the reason that I, J.T. Bell, proud patriot, will sacrifice absolutely nothing for it.

Currently, the country is facing a terrible calamity as COVID-19 continues to run rampant, prompting many state and local governments to call on their citizens to wear masks in order to curtail its deadly spread. But I will not, as doing so would be mildly inconvenient. Millions of Americans have given their lives for my right to not be imposed upon in the slightest, and I intend to honor their contribution by not allowing myself to be so, even if it kills a million more.

Yesterday, a man outside of Home Depot told me that I wouldn't be permitted inside the store without a mask. That they were mandatory. No exceptions, he said. I'm sorry, but did we lose a war? Did Hitler get the A-bomb first so that he could boss us all around in the interest of communal health? Sure, I put a mask on since I needed a new garden hose and some batteries, but I pulled it down the second I walked through the door. Nobody's forcing this proud American to do the right thing. Remember the Alamo!

Yes, it's sad how little people know about history. Take this new hand washing guidance, for example. Twenty seconds they want you to spend scrubbing now. Twenty seconds! And multiple times a day! Hello, but I have a life! A life I intend spending unbothered by any concern for the well-being of anybody, including myself, thank you very much! So no, I'm not washing my hands. Even after pooping. And I think George Washington would be proud.