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People We (Unfortunately) Didn't Lose in 2022
One year ago, people were hopefully optimistic that 2022 couldn't possibly be as bad as the consecutive raging dumpster fires that preceded it, but boy were they wrong. Russia invaded Ukraine, an inflation crisis tanked economies around the world, Roe vs. Wade was overturned, and, tragically, these 10 people continue to not be dead:
• Donald Trump - Somehow, despite the stress of 100 surplus pounds, about twice as many lawsuits and investigations and a diet consisting mostly of beef, cheese and chocolate cream pies, this 76-year-old sack of solid waste keeps right on living while a similarly fit Louie Anderson drops dead at 68. Some world.
• Vladimir Putin - Figuratively, if not literally entering his bunker phase, Vlad has yet to dine on the lead sandwich that will eventually take him from us much, much too late.
• Kanye West – Takeoff dead. Kanye alive. There is no God.
• Elon Musk – Unfortunately, the internet's most published "expert" on financial matters (while not busy running two companies into the ground) has yet to launch himself from our planet, depriving the world of the possibility that he wouldn’t come back.
• Sam Bankman-Fried – Tragically, nearly one month after being arrested for making $8 billion of people's hard-earned money disappear, SBF has yet to hang himself in jail. He claims he can't even code, but can he not even tie a knot? Meanwhile, Chris Cornell had no such handicap leaving the score minus one greatest voice of a generation and plus one useless, thieving scumbag.
• Rudy Giuliani – Sadly, Rudy's undead, soulless body will go on living forever.
• Kim Jong Un – Despite rumors of ill health, a serious bout with COVID and looking like he consumes half of North Korea’s food supply, Kim Jong Un did not die in 2022. But Coolio did. Seems fair.
• Samuel Alito – Led the charge to deprive women the right to choose before God aborted him. Tragically, Sam's mom didn't have access to Plan B to prevent him from implanting to her uterus.
• Alex Jones – Twenty six and seven year-olds and six adults were shot to death at Sandy Hook, but this fat lard continues to draw breath while avoiding paying the damages he inflicted for exploiting their murders by declaring for bankruptcy. Sounds about right.
• Meghan Markle – Had to have at least one woman on here. And not that she's so bad if you do what she says she wishes you would and just forget that she exists. If only she'd stop doing so many Oprah interviews and Netflix series.
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