Depleted Russian Military Arming Conscripts with Hammers, Pointed Sticks

Desperate to turn the tide in Ukraine despite worsening supply issues, Russia is reportedly arming many of its new conscripts with less modern weapons such as hammers and pointed sticks.

The dilemma facing the Kremlin – capable of drawing on its millions of citizens to fight but lacking the resources to outfit them properly – is resulting in the formation of a ragtag replacement army likely destined for a quick and gruesome death in Putin's War.

"Yesterday outside of Kherson our forces repelled an assault by a Russian unit armed with sharpened mop handles and screwdrivers," Viktor Markevych, a spokesman for the Ukrainian Defense reported. "Later, a second wave of men attempting to fight with the mop handles and screwdrivers recovered from their fallen comrades was likewise defeated."

Meanwhile in the Northeast, Ukrainian forces clashed yesterday with a newly formed battalion wielding scissors and laptop bags.

"These guys seemed more urban. One had a stapler," Markevych said. "We took them inside and gave them cappuccino."

More disturbingly, it seems that in some cases recent draftees are being used as ammunition itself.

"Near Donetsk, one of our soldiers was nearly flattened in an artillery barrage of digital marketing technicians," Markevych noted.