How A Nuclear Holocaust Might Impact Your Stock Portfolio

With Vladimir Putin's ill-conceived invasion of the Ukraine grinding to a halt, the mounting pressure from his army's inability to achieve its objectives and stifling international sanctions will most likely induce him to overturn the global chessboard and slam the red button.

Which inevitably leads investors to wonder: what impact would a nuclear holocaust have on my investment portfolio?

According to most experts, the complete or even near-complete annihilation of the planet would have a significantly negative impact on the world's financial markets.

"I see stocks falling precipitously in the event of nuclear Armageddon. Especially those in the more volatile and tech-heavy NASDAQ," JP Morgan fund manager Max Tucker remarked. "Somewhere in the 99.9% to 100% percent range."

"Bond and peer-to-peer rates would also likely plummet owing to their borrowers' fiery or protracted deaths from radiation poisoning," added Tucker.

Still, the imminent holocaust might not all doom and gloom, Citigroup's Trevor Gilbert predicts.

"I actually see metals like gold and silver, but especially platinum due to its high melting temperature, doing very well. Survivors who are able to find buyers could use the cash to wipe their ass," Gilbert wrote.

"Also brass and lead in the form of bullets would likely be in high demand by people looking to shoot themselves in the head," Gilbert concluded.