Obese, Malodorous Boy Missing

Colorado Springs, CO - Authorities are searching for a 12-year-old Todd Griffin, who went missing from his north suburban Colorado Springs home sometime between Monday evening and Wednesday afternoon.

Griffin's father said that his son was lying on the couch watching television "as usual" when he was last seen.

Described as squat and portly by his parents, Griffin is less than five feet tall and weighs approximately 160 to 200 pounds, has brown, normally ungroomed hair, either brown or green eyes, and wears corrective lenses for an astigmatism - lending him the appearance of a "garbage can with glasses".

"Todd tends to pick at himself a lot, especially at his shorts and his nose," disclosed Kimberly Griffin, Toby's mother, "And he exudes an odor, like a combination of fish oil and the inside of an old wig."

Mrs. Griffin added: "He also breathes with his mouth open, has a pretty bad acne problem on his face and neck, and has a secret habit of masturbating by rubbing himself against the cushions of our couch, if that helps at all."

Between his physical appearance and aversion to the outside world, Griffin's disappearance has left local police and the small handful of neighbors who made a perfunctory search of the neighborhood baffled.

"He doesn't sound like the type of child who would just get up and wander off, and yet his getting abducted seems as plausible as a rusty rake being stolen from a locked garage," remarked Colorado Springs Police Sergeant Tom Jefferies.

Todd's father expressed his belief that his son's disappearance will resolve itself soon one way or the other.

"Todd literally cannot go more than a few hours without Burger King or Hot Pockets, so he'll either come home on his own before long or make whoever kidnapped him so miserable they'll throw him out of the van at the next bus stop."