Man who had Near Death Experience Arrested for being Under Influence of DMT

A man who drove through a local pet store after suffering a heart attack behind the wheel of his car on Thursday was arrested after it was discovered that he was under the influence of the hallucinogenic drug DMT (dimethyltryptamine) at the time.

The arrest of George Ramsey, a 57 year old mathematics teacher at Aaron Burr High School, was conducted at St. Reagan Hospital where he has been convalescing after toxicology tests taken at the scene of the accident revealed the presence of the drug in his system.

Ramsey adamantly denies the charges against him, claiming that not only has he never heard of DMT, but he’s never used it while driving - a position that is supported by the fact that the human pineal gland is capable of producing dimethyltryptamine and is known to release large amounts of the compound during birth, death, and near-death experiences, which would account for why it was found in his body under such circumstances.

Ramsey remarked, “I remember I was on my way to the taco shop when suddenly it felt like I’d been hit in the chest with a sledgehammer.  There was a crash, and in a moment my life and all the pets I’ve ever owned flashed before my eyes.  Then I felt like I was floating in this brilliant, glorious white light, up and up, higher and higher, and when I looked down I could see my body below as an empty shell, covered with feathers and flopping fish.  It was intense.”

Ramsey continued, “Then the next thing I knew, I woke up handcuffed to a hospital bed, surrounded by angry policemen.  They called me ‘puppy killer’ and ‘junkie’.  I told them that I didn’t do drugs and that I was merely dead at the time of the accident, but they didn’t believe it.”

Unfortunately for Ramsey, the District Attorney’s office isn’t buying the story either and has filed several charges against him, including driving under the influence of a controlled substance, destruction of private and public property, and animal cruelty.”

Troy Hutchins, a spokesman for the DA commented: “The defense of Mr. Ramsey that the DMT was made by his own body against his will is inadequate and laughable as such a notion would mean everyone in the world is a criminal, including me, and I’ve never done drugs in my life – whether it be smoking pot on purpose or having some chemical from one of my supposed ‘glands’ be released autonomously into my bloodstream.  It is our belief and assertion that Mr. Ramsey’s heart attack was a consequence of the drug, not vice versa, which he acquired from a street dealer and smoked just minutes before the incident took place.”

Added Hutchins: “And we intend to throw the book at him.”