Christian Group Launches Campaign against Public Sexual Activity of Flowers
A group of local activists called Concerned Christians for the Enforcement of Proper Public Rectitude for all Species (CCEPPRS) are up in arms over what they call the shameful ongoing habit of plants and flowers to openly engage in sex in public, and have launched a campaign to put a stop to it.
“It’s an offense to decent, morally upstanding people, plain and simple,” proclaimed CCEPPRS founder and President Julia Myers at a recent meeting, “These things are doing it all over town, right in the open! And if you think its bad on Main Street in broad daylight, try going out to the woods and have a look around. These perverted plants are treating our land like it’s their own personal porno set, and it must stop now!”
Myers then qualified: “Actually, I’d just like to say that I don’t really mean to recommend for anyone to literally go to the woods to see for themselves as it very well could be hazardous to your health. As many of you already know, I suffered a mild stroke last spring during a picnic expedition to Harper’s Grove and am still suffering the after effects of post traumatic stress.”
The group, comprised of thirty members, has reportedly bombarded city counsel with over one thousand letters of complaint so far and is circulating petitions around town demanding the concealment of the salacious offenders with non-transparent plastic bags or, if such a measure is deemed infeasible, their outright elimination from the landscape.
Commented group member Charles McMillan: “It's not that I have anything against the flowers or their right to reproduce; my chief complaint is that it’s going on willy-nilly in public where children can see and not behind closed doors where such vulgar, yet regrettably necessary activities belong.”
One other CCEPPRS member who identified himself as “The Inquisitor” took a less moderate stance.
"These flowers are nothing but whores. Every morning they open their petals like two-bit floozies spreading their legs in a brothel, exposing their vagina-like genitalia to any bit of pollen or bee flying by to have their sick way with. It's smut and it makes me want to vomit. How many of these plants do you think are even married? I say we chop their things off and grind them into the dirt.”