Limb Dismemberment Craze Excites Teens, Worries Parents

Unnecessary elective limb dismemberment is emerging as the newest wild fashion trend amongst the nation’s teen population as angst filled youngsters from coast to coast are voluntarily chopping off their own arms and legs as an expression of individuality.
 
Reports indicate that young people are flocking to converted body piercing shops and newly opened amputation parlors to have the technique performed in order to assure themselves of not being part of the un-cool fraction of their peers not demonstrating their uniqueness by cutting off a major appendage.
 
"I used to think having a tongue ring was pretty hardcore until my friend Mark came to school one day on crutches after having his leg chopped off at the knee.  Everybody was like 'whoa, that’s so cool', so the next day I went out and got this done," commented an eighteen year old boy showing off a discolored stump where his left arm used to be, "I just totally walked into a parlor last week and had it whacked off.  It’s so fucking awesome, I can’t wait to show it off at the Jimmy Eat World concert!"
 
Furthermore, despite an age restriction that prohibits any parlor from dismembering anyone under the age of 18, the sight of dismembered minors has become increasingly commonplace as impetuous adolescents are increasingly performing the procedure themselves at home in their garages and backyards.
 
A sixteen year old girl relegated to life in a wheelchair by her decision to have both arms and legs cut off by a friend described her experience: "My friend Monica chopped them off with an ax and cauterized my stumps with a blowtorch. It was pretty funny because after she was done she realized that I wouldn’t be able to return the favor since I didn’t have any arms left, so she called a friend who agreed to do it on the condition that she’d do her afterwards… well, you can tell what happened next.  Monica and I were laughing our asses off."
 
Added the girl: "Now I crap in a bag.  Talk about some extreme shit."
 
The new fad hasn’t exactly been embraced by older generations of Americans however, many of whom are parents concerned over the long term implications voluntary limb amputations present for their children, while others just think it’s stupid.
 
"It seems pretty dangerous.  Someone might get hurt," commented one worried parent, "But I guess teenagers will be teenagers.  One day they’re sticking metal rings through their tongues and nipples and the next they’re cutting their arms off.  Next thing you know they’ll be jumping headfirst into running buzz saws.  Oh well, at least its nothing permanent like a tattoo."
 
Rebutted the limbless girl in the wheelchair: "Man, you see?  Old people just don’t understand."