Shaky Global Economy Sends Kitty Prices Soaring

Kitty commodity prices hit another new record today as anxiety over stagnating global economic growth continues to batter stocks in markets around the world.

After dipping on mid-afternoon profit taking, kitties closed at $456 a kitty as jittery investors sought the shelter of their cuddly soft fur and cute, fuzzy-wuzzy faces.

"Despite overbought technical indicators, prevailing concerns surrounding macroeconomic conditions make kitties more adorable than ever," argues Richard Gant, a research analyst at FastMarkets, "They're just so cute, you want to scoop them up and hug them and squeeze them and kiss their little noses."

Especially attractive to investors is the way kitties rub against their leg when they get home from work and playfully leap from beneath the bed to pounce on their shoes with their furry little paws.

Also credited by analysts for the soaring value of kitties were kitty advocates Bob Barker and Drew Carey, whose efforts to encourage pet owners to get their kitties spayed or neutered has helped to curb kitty over-production in recent decades.

Kitty tycoon Audrey Moore of Schenectady, New York, who owns 950 kitties, predicts the sky continues to be the limit for kitty futures.

"I love kitties," she said, adding: "People used to call me crazy. Who's crazy now?"