Human Sacrifices to Job Creators Surge on Economy Fears

Growing fears of the U.S. economy slipping back into recession has triggered a surge in the number of animal and human sacrifices being offered to the job creators over the past month.

Desperate to stave off another precipitous economic downturn that would exacerbate their earthly suffering, more middle and lower class Americans are forfeiting their own lives and those of their loved ones in an effort to appease the all-powerful and benevolent job creators.

"Not that things are that bad now –we're certainly not complaining, let me just make that clear - we were just hoping that maybe things might not suddenly get much, much worse, that's all," remarked a clearly nervous Melanie Powell of Norfolk, Virginia, who earlier in the day helped hold her grandfather-in-law down on the lawn of a CEO's palatial estate while her husband crushed his skull with a sledgehammer.

Children have also gotten into the act. Citing her family's recent financial struggles and her desire to contribute, 12 year-old Natalie Lemon of Lakewood, Colorado strangled her pet kitten in the lobby of the Denver Ritz Carlton Hotel Saturday.

"I loved Mr. Thumper, but it is not our place to ask why kitty had to die," said a tearful Lemon.

Though it is still unclear whether the recent rise in living sacrifices has adequately pleased the job creators, at least one job was opened this week after Paris Hilton's personal assistant threw herself off a twenty-story building.