American Worker Replaced by Mexican Palm Tree

32 year-old American Jeff Bauer lost his job this week when he was replaced by a Mexican palm tree.

Bauer, whose position as a sign-holder outside a Bellflower, California Subway store was outmoded by the undocumented tree, reported the details of his termination to US Customs and Immigration Enforcement, but to no avail since the palm tree is a plant.

Ronald Sloan, the owner of the Subway franchise location in question, stands by his decision to start stapling his promotional placards to the tree and let Bauer go.  

"Race is not a factor in my staffing decisions – I look for results," Sloan proclaimed, "The tree does a good job. The tree is punctual, it keeps the sign off the ground, and it doesn't smoke cigarettes – which is frankly more than I can say about what's-his-name."

Bauer, who had too many other things going on to finish high school in the early nineties, is just one of an estimated 100,000 Californians to have been elbowed out of unskilled jobs by illegal immigrants and plant life since January.

Sheila Taylor of the California Coalition for Immigration Reform remarked: "Our state has over one million chronically unmotivated citizens sort of willing to work these jobs, at least for a little while until they start to get acting work or get their band signed, but it's difficult for them to compete with upright objects that don't complain when you hammer nails into them, let alone animate creatures capable of moving around and performing simple tasks."

Taylor pointed out that the dissemination of illegal aliens displaced by the enforcement of Arizona's stiff new immigration laws has begun to put even more pressure on native idiots in states such as hers.

"This crisis only serves to underscore the importance of the need for comprehensive federal immigration reform, including a change to the 14th Amendment that would prevent seeds that drop from trees such as the one that took Mr. Bauer's job from being made citizens merely by sprouting on American soil," she said.