Abstinence in the 21st Century: Let’s Cross Our Legs Around the World!
By: Laura Bush

Hello again everyone! As you could probably tell from the title of this article, I’d like to switch gears from the usual domestic theme of this column to discuss with all the young women of the world out there the single most important issue they’ll face in their entire lives: abstaining from sex until marriage.

Ladies, and especially those of you from outside America where there aren’t churches who might be hearing this for the first time, I can’t emphasize enough how valuable your virginity is. It is a blessing from the Lord, and mustn’t be given casually away to the first Jose Cuervo, Kunta Kinte or Wing Tang Tong who buys you a taco or takes you for a ride on the back of his rhinoceros to the snake show and /or bone dance.

But don’t worry girls, abstinence is really easy to achieve. In fact, all you have to do to insure the future blissful oblivion of only knowing the love of your sanctioned husband is to say ‘no’, ‘nyet’, ‘cluck-cluck’ or whatever your lingual equivalent might be until your wedding day, and considering how early some of you are married, that doesn’t seem like such a difficult task, now does it? I mean, how hard is it to wait until you’re eight?

Still think having sex outside the confines of marriage is no big deal? Well, I’m not surprised. After all, at your age your body is coursing with hormones that for some gosh darn reason want you to do just the opposite of the right thing – like eliciting a rape by dressing like the jungle tramp. Remember my African sisters, those pygmy warriors don’t have time to force themselves on every girl in the village, and they’ll sure as sunrise go after the ones in the short grass skirts first!

Then there’s the guilt, oh the guilt of not abstaining! Once you are married, how could you live all those years together with such a horrible secret? How could you put that dot on your forehead every morning without dying inside or being moved to make a tearful confession that would get you banished to the unforgiving wilderness where you’d be hunted by tigers and gorillas while trying to eke out a minimal existence from berries and twigs? Is a little carnal lust worth it? I think not.

Now before I go, let me leave you with a poignant quote from The Bible I’d like you to think about: “Can a (wo)man scoop fire into (her) lap without (her) clothes being burned? Can a (wo)man walk on hot coals without (her) feet being scorched?”

And yes, I’ve seen lots of you do the walking on hot coals trick, but the point remains valid! See you next time!