Extreme Water Saving Tips for People Who Really Give a Shit
Do you care about trying to save our planet? Do you really? Because everyone who does knows that water conservation plays a crucial role in the fight against climate change, so if you're not, then you probably don't, and you can go to hell. If you really do, however; like really, really do, then you should know and already be doing the following:
• Save water, drink beer! Just kidding. The process of drinking beer requires 3 glasses of water for every glass of suds. Instead, just drink less water; or better yet, stop drinking it altogether until you die, thereby fully maximizing your conservation potential.
• Kill your plants. The pride you take from all those pretty flowers and green grass that make your yard more "beautiful" is misplaced. A beacon of your selfish egoism, these water sucking parasites should instead be viewed with disdain, and murdered.
• Pee in a bucket. Every toilet flush costs about a gallon and a half, so just think of the savings! And to make it even more fun, you can turn it into a contest. Each family member gets their own bucket, and motivating your efforts to drink less water, whoever fills their bucket last wins!
• Shit in a bag. In more quaint, recent times there was a saying that went: "If its yellow, let it mellow; If its brown, flush it down". Now, with the human race teetering on the brink of collapse due to climate change fueled by excessive water use, that expression is not only superannuated, but extremely dangerous. Today's addage, which admittedly could be made more catchy, should be: "Shit in a plastic bag – only since paper will likely break on you - until it is absolutely full in order to maximize plastic consumption since that also takes water to make, and then throw it into the trash."
• Golf courses account for approximately 90% of the world's water consumption. If you know a golfer, encourage them to take up another rich old guy sport, like tennis, or sailing. Or to just hurry up and die already.
• Water balloon fights, a long-standing summer tradition, are no longer tenable in today's pre-apocalyptic soon-to-be-hellscape. Let your kids throw regular air-filled balloons, or rocks.
• Go cannibal. Red meat production consumes ten times more water than poultry, which itself consumes ten times the water required by vegetable farming - which is to say a vegan diet also consumes water. Eating wild animals and vegetation harvested from nature would negate this waste, but can be difficult for most people who live in cities. Urban dwellers can however inquire at local hospitals and morgues about the availability of recently deceased humans on which they might dine guilt-free.
• If you feel you really must continue brushing your teeth, turn the faucet off while brushing, you lazy bastard.
• Stop showering. But, 'eww...', right? Well, you know what else is 'eww'? The polar ice caps melting. Hurricanes, floods, people eating moldy trash and shitting out their insides in mindless, frantic bids to prolong their doomed, torturous lives.
• If you currently work as a firefighter, discuss with your chief alternative ways of putting out fires. Like a giant cake lid lowered by helicopter, or maybe just letting the fire burn itself out.
• Test your dishwasher's efficiency. If its not performing up to standard, consider grounding them or docking their allowance.