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Environmental Tips for the Criminally Insane

• Make your home tree-free: Instead of using roll after roll of paper towels to soak up those puddles of blood around your place, use cloth rags that you can wash and re-use

• Use a handsaw instead of a chainsaw to dismember your victims. You’ll not only save gas and reduce pollution; you’ll get some great exercise

• The next time you have a corpse to dispose of, bury it somewhere with acidic soil and cover the body with plenty of quicklime. The organic material from the guy you killed combined with the calcium oxide of the lime will both nurture the soil and raise its pH, making it more conducive to plant growth

• When writing long, rambling letters to celebrities you’re obsessed with, news journalists who’ve slandered you, or family members of people you’ve kidnapped, use both sides of the paper

• The next time you’re walking out of a concert screaming at the top of your lungs and encounter someone handing out flyers for some other show even somebody as nuts as you would never attend, take them back to your place and force feed them all those papers, then make them stand out in the garden until they poop it out so it might someday be reincarnated as a new tree

• The next time a store clerk insists on putting your pack of gum into a big plastic bag for “security reasons”, follow them home and set their house on fire

• Instead of just demanding money in your next ransom note, demand the family you’re addressing it to install solar panels on their house

• Reduce purchases – in general, think before you buy any product – do you really need that new ax, or could you get a lot more chopping mileage out of the one you already own by spending a few minutes sharpening it?

• Instead of promoting waste by trashing all your victims’ personal possessions, sell them or donate them to charity

• Stop junk mail. Every time you receive a piece of unsolicited mail, send a picture of a butchered corpse to the return address with a note that reads ‘This will be you if you don’t stop sending me this shit, tree killer”

• Try to make use of as much of your victims’ bodies as possible. Skin can be used as blankets, clothing and lampshades, bones can be used as an alternative to hardwood, meat not eaten fresh can be frozen or dried and cured, and organs can be turned into bowls, gourds and fanciful decorations

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