Ted Cruz Announces Decision to Suspend Life

One week after suspending his run for the presidency, Senator Ted Cruz appeared before a sparsely attended press conference to announce his decision to also suspend his life.

"It is with a heavy heart I stand before you today to announce that, after much introspection, I have concluded that my existence is no longer worthwhile and will soon be suspending it indefinitely," an emotional Cruz stated.

"Whatever!" one attendee called out.

"Though I have yet to decide on a method, I have narrowed my options to carbon monoxide poisoning and simply walking into the ocean. And I don't want anyone to try and stop me," Cruz said with a sullen chuckle.

"Don't worry!" another audience member shouted.

Pausing to blow his nose, the rest of Cruz's remarks were drowned out by somebody's loud snore followed by peals of laughter.

Asked if she supports her husband's decision, Cruz's wife said she does.

"I do support him," What's-Her-Name said while stroking the hair of her emphatically nodding daughter. "We're all behind Ted one hundred percent."