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Congressman Wins Election by Just $6

Incumbent Andrew Cooper (R) will return to Congress as the Representative of Missouri's 10th District after edging out his Democratic rival Doris Mitchell by just $6.15 yesterday.

Cooper's margin of victory was the smallest for a federal candidate in American history since Rutherford B. Hayes beat Samuel Tilden by 22 cents (adjusted for inflation to $5.50) to become America's 19th President in 1876.

Cooper addressed a group of supporters in front of a giant tote board bearing the winning sum of $53,786,684 from the convention room at the Ramada Inn in Creston last night.

"I'd like to thank everyone who pitched in to make this happen, but this doesn't end here. We have 2016 to look forward to, and every penny counts!" he proclaimed.

Mitchell, who lost despite a last minute flurry of solicitous emails and bake sales, was gracious in defeat.

"Mr. Cooper raised more money, and that's the bottom line. I extend my congratulations to him and his campaign," she said.

Still, many Mitchell supporters have called the integrity of the race into question, accusing the Missouri Board of Elections of corruption and Cooper's campaign of spreading false rumors that individuals couldn't contribute money acquired from welfare, can recycling, or the sale of bodily fluids.

CoinPro coin sorters installed to count and tally change on behalf of the contributor's chosen candidate have also been a source of controversy, as Democrats have accused CoinPro's right-leaning management of donation-rigging.

Complained one Mitchell-backer: "Democrats from all over the district have reported CoinPro machines spitting out change for the slightest flaws. Faded dimes, nicked nickels, pennies that were issued before 1985. Meanwhile, for Cooper they accept Canadian quarters, bottle caps, and count Skittles as silver dollars."

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