COVID Vaccines Could Change Your DNA, Nation's Retail Associates Warn

The COVID-19 vaccines could change your DNA in a bunch of weird ways, some retail associates are now reporting.

Gathered secondhand from co-workers and friends who heard a podcast or read something on Facebook, the latest findings that the unknown chemicals in COVID-19 vaccines could be extremely dangerous contradict the claims of medical and government officials who continue to claim that they are safe.

"They say it's safe, but how do I know?" Walmart Inventory Specialist Jeremy Reiff questioned. "How do I know that if I get (a vaccine) that 6 months from now I won't turn gay, move to San Francisco and start (vulgar reference removed) for (vulgar reference removed) smoothies on Castro Street?"

Reiff isn't alone in his skepticism of the country's vaccine push.

"I'm still on the fence. I gotta do some more research before I put something in my body I don't know what's in it," Target cashier Kelly Cole commented during a smoke break. "My friend Janelle told me she heard they're just trying to give everyone diabetes so they can sell more of that H1ab crap."

Corroborated by results from recent focus groups, it appears that efforts to persuade America's anti-vaxxers continues to face an uphill struggle.

"My feeking is that they just need a lot more attention," FDA spokesman Lance Morgan speculated.