Useless Tips to Make Your Turkey Day Slightly Less Horrible

Whether you have before or its you’re first time, hosting Thanksgiving dinner always sucks. The young people. The old people. The crazy people. How and why you let yourself get in this predicament in the first place is a question of another magnitude best left for better trained professionals, but in the meantime, the following are a few tips and tricks to help make the day slightly less terrible:

• Choose your Turkey Day soundtrack wisely. A loudish playlist comprised of Morbid Angel and Cannibal Corpse should keep the proceedings short. That, combined with the use of plastic utensils and paper plates will allow for a quick cleanup and speedy return to your couch binging The Wire for the fourth time.

• Don't invite any Debbie Downers to dinner. Grandma might be the family matriarch, but her Parkinson's is a real bummer.

• Every family has a black sheep whose political views differ from everyone else's. Seat them at the kids' table with the other dumb asses.

• Clear the air by dispensing with the airing of grievances early. For example, how Uncle Greg ruined your last Thanksgiving with his boring pilgrim trivia.

• Inviting a couple of foreign exchange students to share your holiday is always a generous gesture. Keep in mind however that will mean you'll have people jabbering away in Chinese or whatever while you're trying to eat.

• If you suffer from Crohn's disease, try adding a little laxative to the stuffing. That way you won't be the only one having to excuse yourself to take a house-shaking shit.

• It's nice that Cousin Kim finally left that polygamist death cult, but I still wouldn't go anywhere near her razzleberry pie.

• Be honest. If Aunty Peggy's scalloped potatoes suck, let her know. It's the only way she'll get better.

• Thanksgiving is always a good time to experiment with new recipes. Instead of sticking to the same-old traditional faire, incorporate some international flair! Turkey burritos, anyone?

• Make sure everyone is having a good time at all times by regularly asking them. If they're not, ask why not so that you can quickly rectify whatever the fuck their problem is.

• Finally, don't stress too much. The only thing better than a traditional Thanksgiving meal is any other meal. There's a reason we don't eat this crap any of the other 364 days a year.