FBI Raid Spoils Trump's Work to Bring Peace in Ukraine, Middle East

On the verge, he says, of not only ending the war in Ukraine but of finally achieving a lasting peace in the Middle East, Donald Trump is now refusing to continue the work he claims was the real reason he absconded with a trove of classified documents after leaving the White House in 2021.

"I was going to solve so many problems, you wouldn't believe it. You wouldn’t believe it. But I guess that's all over now. It's done. Finito," Trump spoke in reference to the extra-curricular activities he is no longer pursuing since the FBI seized the Top-Secret material he'd been keeping at Mar-A-Lago for the last 18 months.

According to members of the ex-President's inner circle, Trump had been working tirelessly with one goal in mind prior to last week's raid of his Florida home: to make the world a better place.

"My dad would seal himself inside that storage room for hours, sometimes days without eating or sleeping, doing the job only Donald Trump can do," Trump’s son Eric said.

"All my dad wanted to do was help," Eric continued. "And not just with Ukraine and the Middle East, but with Iran and that China thing with Thailand and the whole inflation deal."

Trump, never one to constrain himself, was also reportedly using the classified materials to develop a plan for the human race's peaceful expansion into outer space – a plan he has since scrapped.

"Guess you’ll never see it," Trump said. "Too bad."