Trump Vows to Protect, Ban Abortion, End War, Cure Cancer

Donald Trump vowed to impose a nationwide ban on abortion should he be re-elected President while speaking at a rally in Harrisburg, Pennsylvania this morning, during which he also promised to secure the right of any woman wanting to terminate her pregnancy to do so.

The former president also pledged to slash taxes, increase social spending, cut interest rates, reverse inflation and eradicate pantry moths.

"Have you had seen these things? They get into your oatmeal, and the next thing you know, they're fluttering all over your house. So you throw out your oatmeal, but by then they're also in your pancake mix, so you toss the pancake mix, but they're still flapping around, and eventually you find them in a box of tea samplers someone gave you for Christmas which is crazy because you never even opened the box, which was wrapped in plastic," Trump said.

In addition to his proclamations regarding reproductive care, taxes, interest rates and winged kitchen pests, Trump also vowed to deport all of the country's illegal aliens, cut grocery prices and make women like you.

"For far too long, attractive women have been making that same face whenever you walk into the room. You know the look. Like, 'Ick'," the former President said. "Well, no more. When I'm President again, beautiful women will think you're charming and handsome, not creepy and gross."

Later in the day at another rally in Pittsburgh, Trump pledged to cut energy prices in half, cure cancer, end all wars, reverse climate change and make double bacon cheeseburgers good for you.

"Have you ever wondered why food that tastes the best is the worst for your health?" Trump posed. "Why is that? Why do we put up with that? Well, I'm not going to. This is America."