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Jon Stewart Accused of Anally Raping Kittens
What is the world coming to?
Jon Stewart became the latest celebrity to face charges of sexual misconduct today after it was alleged that the actor and comedian anally assaulted hundreds of kittens while volunteering at a Long Island animal shelter.
Administrators at the Suffolk County Humane Society say video surveillance corroborates their shocking claim that the widely admired former host of The Daily Show is a vile predator who rapes kittens in their butts.
"This man is a monster. Watching the footage, seeing him literally going from kitten to kitten, some of them practically newborns, and sticking his penis up their butts, it's just disgusting," SCHS Director Shelley Madson remarked.
Sadly, most of the kittens assaulted by Stewart will have to be destroyed, Madson said.
"We knew something was wrong, that's what prompted us to investigate. The kittens are just so traumatized - they won't eat, and several have committed suicide by hanging themselves by their little balls of string. It's heartbreaking, but unfortunately it's the humane thing to just put them all down."
Stewart, who has neither confirmed nor denied the allegations, stated in a tweet this morning that he has: "...had relations with both humans as well as cats during my life," and that he now chooses to live as a zoophile.
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