Study: Plant-Based Husbands Better for Women's Health, Environment

A new study shows that plant-based husbands are both healthier for women and better for the environment than their meat-based equivalents.

According to the study, women who replace their human spouses for a plant - such as a ficus or a hydrangea - demonstrate improved comprehensive health metrics.

"I traded my man in for a philodendron, and I've never been happier. The plant spends its life in front of the television, but it never complains when I want to watch Antiques Roadshow," one woman remarked.

Even despite the loss of income experienced by some women who have shifted to plant-based partners, a majority still report being better off financially.

"My husband brought money home, but he also spent it. On beer, for instance. Lots of beer," one woman said.

"My Boston fern on the other hand only drinks water and converts carbon dioxide into clean oxygen through a process called photosynthesis - as opposed to fart stink and cigarette smoke," the woman added.

The study's findings mirrored the conclusions of similar research that found that men who replaced their wives with dogs were also more happy.

Testified one man: "My Pomeranian doesn't yap nearly as much as my ex-wife. Also, when I have to swat her with the newspaper she doesn't call the police."