"Rotten, Flea-Bitten" First Dog Behind White House Scandals

The White House revealed today that the President has adopted a dog, the first pet to join the Trumps at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue.

The dog, a male mutt named Dumbass, has reportedly been with the family since November, when he advised the President to endorse alleged child molester Roy Moore in his run for the US Senate.

"Dumbass is a very naughty dog," White House Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders noted during her daily press conference yesterday. "In addition to his ill-advised endorsement of Mr. Moore, he has misappropriated funds from the President's charitable foundation without Mr. Trump's knowledge and ate an entire chocolate cream pie that was meant for the Chinese ambassador."

Specifically, despite the deeds predating the dog's adoption by as many as several years, Dumbass has been blamed for re-tweeting classified information regarding North Korean missile placements, failing to distribute Trump Foundation funds collected on behalf of 9-11 victims, authorizing the use of tax-payer dollars to charter personal flights for Trump and members of his staff, and for hoarding a large collection of pornography recently discovered by the First Lady in Trump Tower.

"Dumbass is a no good, rotten, flea-bitten mutt. Mangy, orange-haired and stupid. It's pathetic, really," the President remarked.

As of this morning, Dumbass was also reported to have eaten all of the President's tax returns, which Trump was just about to release.