Falling Suicide Rates Leave Researchers Baffled

A new study showing worldwide suicide rates falling dramatically between the year 2001 and 2018 has left many researchers scratching their heads.

Derived from statistics compiled from the Global Burden of Disease Report of 2018, the findings were described as 'shocking but accurate' by study author Dr. Howard Bradley of the University of Washington.

"Dozens of times I re-checked the numbers. The work has been peer-reviewed. It's real," Bradley insisted, referring to the nearly 25% decline in self-inflcited death over the last 17 years published in the report.

"I just don't understand it," the confounded scientist went on. "What universe are these people living in? Is it some parallel dimension?"

According to the report, suicide rates declined from 15.4 suicides per 100,000 people in 2001 to 12.1 per 100,000 in 2018.

"Astonishing," study collaborator Gregory Gay marveled. "The gutless bastards."

"It's such a cruel, screwed up world," Gay continued. "Everyone is so mean. And all the while the grim specter of death looms over all our shoulders. Might as well just get it over with," he said.