Man Detects COVID-19 in His Butt

A man testing himself for COVID-19 detected the virus in his butt, the man reported yesterday.

Armed with a FlowSure Rapid Antigen Test purchased at a local drugstore, 34-year-old Michael Pallardy of Fresno, California made the discovery of SARS-CoV2 up his butt after he inserted the swab provided with the kit into his rectum instead of his nostril, he revealed.

"The paper in the box said to put the Q-tip thingy in your nose, but I don't know, I stuck it up my butt instead," Pallardy said.

According to the kit's manufacturer, the confusion that led Pallardy to swab the inside of his anus rather than his nose is far from an isolated event.

"It's a very simple test for which we provide very straight-forward, illustrated instructions, and yet these issues are quite common," Atlas Laboratories spokeswoman Vivian Zylstra remarked. "People put the swabs in their mouths, their ears, their breakfast cereal, you name it."

Despite the seemingly alarming nature of Pallardy's detection of COVID in his butt, the scientific community was quick to dismiss the result as an issue of concern.

"I think more troubling than what this means for people's butts is what it says about their brains," public health scientist Marc Gagner remarked.