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US Leaving Iraq on Threshold of Glorious New Stone Age

The removal of US combat troops from Iraq heralds the dawn of a glorious new stone age for that country, say American commanders.

"We came as liberators, and in many ways have accomplished our mission to free the Iraqi people from the oppression of modern technology and dystopian law and order," remarked Commanding General of US Forces in Iraq Raymond Odierno.

Added Odierno: "Seven years ago we adopted a country plagued with numerous difficulties associated with the 21st century. As we march out of Iraq today, we return it to its people much as it was during the time of Muhammad."

According to recent studies, most homes throughout Iraq are currently afflicted with less than one hour of electricity per day, liberating its residents from the trappings of television and other incapacitating modern devices.

"By attacking the infrastructure of Iraq's problems – in particular its utilities, telecommunications apparatus and highways, we have made great strides backwards to a better time," declared Joint Chiefs of Staff Chairman Michael Mullen.

Another study indicates Iraqi teenagers are 98% less likely than American teens to suffer a texting addiction, while drunk driving arrests and non-shooting or IED-related auto accidents have dropped commensurate with the destruction of Iraq's roads.

Citing the liberation from an unnatural order, experts say a stronger emphasis on essentials has drawn Iraqi families as they band together to scavenge for food and keep warm in the winter.  

Though combat operations are planned to cease at the end of August, the US military will keep 50,000 troops in Iraq through 2011 to train corrupt Iraqi replacements delegated to maintain the nation's future digression.

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