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England Announces Hooligan Roster for World Cup
England's National Hooligan Squad Manager Alan Barton has announced his 84-man roster for the upcoming World Cup.
Featuring drunken thugs from dozens of football firms across the country, the hooligans are already gearing up to support the English National Team in South Africa through horrible acts of violence, senseless vulgarity, and the possible attendance of matches.
"This is a great opportunity for us to get thoroughly tossed and beat the living shit out of people from all over the world. It is imperative we perform well - to reestablish the global supremacy of English hooliganism," Barton said, alluding to the disappointing performance of the 2006 squad in Germany, where German and Polish hooligans far outpaced the Brits in property damage and arrests.
Reflecting the squad's transitional phase is the inclusion of 32 first-timers to the roster, including 23 year-old Tommy Blake of Newcastle, who gained notoriety during 2008's European Championship in Vienna by defecating on Mozart’s grave, and 25 year-old Michael "Babyface" Travers of Bolton, who once threw a beer in a baby's face.
"Come to our pitch dressed in the other side's colors and that's what you're going to get," Travers said at the time, referring to the 1 year-old Tottenham supporter.
Notable omissions from this year's squad include Michael Thompson of Birmingham, who is currently serving a ten year sentence for firebombing a police horse, and longtime English Hooligan Squad captain Nigel Taylor, who recently passed away in Barcelona from a heart attack he suffered while attempting to overturn an ambulance.
"It's a bit of a changing of the guard, if you will. It's like a transfusion, really. Out with the old blood, in with the new," Barton said, "And what of it, eh? Fucking wanker. Say one more word and I'll shove this bottle in your face, you fucking cunt."
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