Eleven Year-Old Would-Be Virgin Mary Miscarries Baby Jesus

The second coming of Christ was delayed indefinitely Friday when 11 year-old Mary Ashley Siler of Belmont, Missouri miscarried the baby Jesus in a Morning Creek Middle School restroom stall.

Though confirmed to be as yet sexually unspoiled, it is assumed Siler's lack of moral rectitude allowed the devil to enter her body and take up residence in her womb, setting the stage for the cataclysmic battle of good and evil that was to follow.

"I felt kind of bloated, and my stomach started to cramp really bad," Siler said, describing the sensations she experienced as the corrupted vessel of Christ's reincarnation. "Then I felt kind of wet, you know, and I noticed I was bleeding."

Siler went on to recount staunching the flow of the slain Christ's blood with a wad of toilet paper before making her way home, where her mother informed her of her failure to Jesus and all those He had stood to save.

"My Mom said it was the rapture, and that now we're all doomed because I don't keep my room clean and watched part of 'Magic Mike' on cable after she fell asleep on the couch one night," Siler said of the cataclysm that has already seen the Dow Jones tumble 0.3% today - possibly spelling the loss of millions of jobs around the world.

"I'm sorry," Siler apologized.