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Donald Trump Awards Medal of Honor to Himself

Donald Trump awarded his first Medal of Honor Monday, to himself.

In bestowing the honor for his "conspicuous gallantry and intrepidity," the President detailed how he repeatedly confronted near-certain death in the course of saving 11 fellow soldiers during a battle along Vietnam's central coast in 1969.

"Charlie had us surrounded, pinned down," Trump boisterously recalled the hellish day 48 years prior. "The bombs were falling like rain, and the bullets were so thick, it was like a constant swarm of bees buzzing over our heads," he described. "My general forbade me to risk myself to help my fallen buddies - it was too dangerous, he said - but I could see them out there in the bloody muck, all shot to pieces and blown up and whatnot, and I could hear them crying for help – and I knew I would go. I had to go."

Occasionally sliding off script to emphasize the extent of the awe he, "And everyone else," shared for his brave actions, Trump recounted how he organized just half a platoon of Marines to repulse over 3,000 enemy troops during the harrowing fight.

"Charlie had the high ground, but luckily we had me, and leading a squad of guys around their flank, I put my M-16 on full automatic and mowed down an entire company of VC - KA-KA-KA-KA-KA-KA-KA-KA!" the President, swinging an invisible rifle over the audience, imitated the sound of automatic gunfire.

"There were bodies everywhere. It was pretty wild, let me tell you," he said.

Meanwhile, James McLoughan, a veteran who rescued 10 of his fellow soldiers under nearly identical circumstances in a similar battle in Vietnam, stood stoically beside the Commander in Chief during the entirety of the two-hour long ceremony.

"President Trump's actions sound very brave," McLoughan later remarked. "Though I doubt he would say that he didn't do anything that lots of other guys would have done if put in the same position."

Later, Trump went on to compare his heroism in combat with his electoral victory last November.

"Just like on the battlefields of Wisconsin and Pennsylvania, the Vietnamese had us outspent and outnumbered, and yet we prevailed," he said. "Against all odds, we won the war in a landslide, and now they don't know what to do. They don't know what to do."

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