Trump Announces He Would "Finger that HP Broad" for Vice President

Presidential candidate Donald Trump announced his intention to select Carly Fiorina as his running mate in next year's election on Meet the Press today, saying he would, "Finger that HP broad."

"Yeah, I'd finger that HP broad," Trump said. "What's her name, Carly Fettuccine? Just kidding, I wouldn't get within ten yards of that pig."

Trump immediately revised his statement, saying he would indeed finger Fiorina, but would delegate the responsibility to his campaign manager.

"Yeah, I'd have Frank do it. He goes in for that guido trim," Trump remarked. "Frankie'd tap her even if she were bleeding."

Added Trump: "Kidding. I was just kidding. There's no way that old bag still gets her period."

Trump later defended himself against a fierce backlash his comments have triggered from women and Italian Americans.

"Oh, come on, people. Nobody loves Italians and women more than I do," Trump said. "I'd eat a pound of gabagool right out of Monica Bellucci's sweet, juicy clam box. Hoh!"