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A rebellion led by a group of Teabaggers armed with muskets and confusing signs was crushed this morning at Camp Lejeune, North Carolina.
According to a statement issued by the Pentagon, a company-sized unit of revolutionaries marching to drums and fifes and dressed in tri-corner hats and uniforms reminiscent of those worn by members of the colonial army entered the Marine base at dawn and attacked a battalion of the 2nd Marine Division.
"Our unit was conducting artillery practice when the insurgents were spotted on the range and my commanding officer shouted for us to cease fire," recounted an anonymous witness, "At first we didn't know what to make of them – one was carrying a sign that read, 'Do Not Doubt Our God Will', whatever that means, but when they started firing those muskets, we pounded the shit out of them."
After giving one 'huzzah!' and unleashing a single volley from their muskets, the Teabaggers fell under a murderous hail of 155mm artillery shells and automatic arms fire from the Marines before any were able to complete the laborious process of reloading their weapon.
"It was wholesale slaughter," said the witness, "We turned them into hamburger, which is kind of a shame considering how cute their uniforms were. But hey, they asked for it. One of those musket balls hit a bird sitting in a tree less than 30 meters from our position."
Another statement released by the Marine Corps indicated that none of the fallen Teabaggers would be salvageable for burial after an airstrike by a squadron of F-18 Hornets on their position left their remains "indistinguishable from the surrounding earth".
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