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American Students Lead World in Swearing, Name Calling

America's youngsters lead the world in swearing and name calling proficiency, a study released today reveals.

The study, which evaluates students' performance in an array of verbal abuse competencies, including vocabulary, creative integration, indecency and volume, reinstates American children as the global leader in profanity one year after being knocked out of the top spot by Germany.

"When it comes to math, science and reading our kids might not know their mitochondria from a dick up their ass, but they can sure talk some trash," commented Principal of Aaron Burr Elementary School Roger Melton.

Caleb Clark, a 5th grader at Aaron Burr Elementary, called the study "fucking stupid", and remarked that his principal is a "shitface".

One of Clark's classmates, 11 year-old Ashlyn Parlow, called Clark a jiz bucket, the study "retarded", and said Germany could "lick her box".

Another portion of the study showed American children rank second in the world in rationalizing not giving a shit about learning.

Remarked high school senior Casey Luebke, "Whatever. Like I'm going to spend all that time studying math when 50 years from now I'm just gonna be back to drooling and shitting in a diaper like my dumb-ass grandma."

Leading the US and the world in not giving a shit about learning was Haiti for the third consecutive year after the entire nation officially gave up in 2010.

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